The Admiral's Life
by muldy
Summary: "It was just that at that moment even the thought of discussing Seven with him was enough to make her feel like she was going to have a small breakdown. And that was the whole reason she couldn't allow herself to have feelings for him. Captains weren't allowed to have broken hearts." What happened in Admiral Janeway's timeline that drove her to change history? J/C


It wasn't that she minded eating dinner alone, it was just that she had replicated dinner for two. While she hadn't touched her meal, the alcohol was long gone.

This was not the first sign that something had changed, but it was the most obvious. For years now they had met for dinner, once a week, without saying a word. It had just become a habit, a few hours reprieved from the duty of being in charge.

For a few moments she hesitated, wondering if she really wanted to know the answer to the question burning inside her.

Then she asked, already suspecting the answer.

'Computer, can you let me know Commander Chakotay's whereabouts?'

' _Commander Chakotay is currently in Seven of Nine's quarters.'_

The slight sense of dread that had been gathering in her chest dropped into her stomach and seemingly exploded.

She considered hailing him, but instead stood up, heading for her bed, leaving the dinner for two to go cold on the table.

* * *

'Come in.'

She spoke curtly, not particularly interested in seeing anyone. The door slid open and he entered. The sound of it closing behind made her feel like she was suddenly trapped. But she tried to ignore that.

She wasn't going to let him see that she was upset.

'Morning, Captain,' he smiled, walking towards her desk and handing over a report. 'B'Elanna has fixed the engine trouble we were experiencing yesterday.'

'Fantastic,' she replied, taking the report and looking back at her screen.

He hesitated.

'Is everything alright, Kathryn?' he asked, concerned.

'It's fine, Commander,' she replied. 'I just have a lot to get through this morning.'

'Did you need help?'

'I'm fine,' she snapped, looking up at him now.

It suddenly seemed to dawn on him what had happened, she saw the look of realisation spread across his face, followed closely by panic.

'I forgot our dinner,' he said. 'My apologies, it completely slipped my mind.'

'I understand,' she responded, looking back at her computer. 'You clearly have a lot on your mind to preoccupy you.'

'Kathryn…'

'Dismissed.'

That was all he needed to know that he wasn't welcome there right now. It wasn't that she didn't want him around, she always wanted him around. It was just that at that moment just the thought of discussing Seven with him was enough to make her feel like she was going to have a small breakdown.

And that was the whole reason she couldn't allow herself to have feelings for him.

Captains weren't allowed to have broken hearts.

It took her a few moments to realise that her vision was blurry because of the tears trying to fight their way out and she stopped, taking in a deep breath.

She was fine.

* * *

'Have you heard the news?' the Doctor asked.

As usual, a general check-up had turned into a gossip session. She wasn't much in the mood for gossip, however she knew that she wasn't going to get a choice.

'Food has improved significantly since Neelix left the ship?' she smiled to herself.

She loved Neelix, but the food had definitely improved since his departure.

'Well, that wouldn't matter to me now would it, Captain?' he replied. 'Apparently Seven and Commander Chakotay have started a relationship.'

She didn't respond.

Of course this day was going to come, she just had hoped that it never would.

'I mean it's not that I'm jealous, but I just feel like they never really had much in common and she would be suited to someone she was closer to,' he muttered.

'Like you?' Paris muttered as he entered, taking a seat next to them. 'Can we do this quickly Doc, I have to get back to Miral, she's throwing the tantrum to end all tantrums.'

'Well not necessarily me, but yes someone like me,' the Doctor replied, finishing his scan of Kathryn. 'What do you think, Captain?'

'I think gossip is none of my business,' she said sternly. 'As it should not be yours. I assume I'm clear to go?'

'Yes,' he responded.

She was out the door before he'd even finished the word, leaving a confused Doctor and Paris watching after her. But she didn't care.

* * *

'You've barely said a word all night,' he said quietly.

She hated that voice. The low, caring one. How dare he speak like that to her? Now?

She took a deep breath, looking up at him.

Her anger faded.

She couldn't be mad at him, he was her best friend. He had been by her side every day for the past seven years, and most of the time he had defended her decisions, doing his best to talk her out of the bad ones.

'Does Seven know you come here?' she responded.

He suddenly found great interest in placing his fork on his plate as close to silently as he could. His eyes darting around the table as he carefully thought out his next words.

What she hadn't expected was the anger that came with them.

'Is this why you've been mad at me?' he asked.

She feigned surprise, but she knew he'd see through it. 'Mad at you? I haven't been mad – '

'Don't lie, Kathryn,' he snapped, banging his fist on the table.

She hadn't expected such a strong reaction.

 _He_ was the one who was in a relationship.

Her instinct told her it was best not to say anything for a moment, so she copied him in placing her cutlery back on the table, calmly looking up to meet his eyes.

After a few moments the silence became too much.

'Yes,' she admitted.

'You have no right,' he struggled saying the words and she suddenly understood.

She reached forward across the table and placed a hand on top of his clenched fist. He instantly pulled it away and stood up.

'I waited,' he choked on the words. 'I've waited for seven years and you have done nothing but push me away, and now I'm trying to move on, you have the nerve to be jealous.'

He was right.

She had no right to be jealous.

He looked at her for a moment, a cold expression she wasn't used to seeing. 'Thank you for dinner, Captain.'

With that he walked towards the door.

'Commander,' she called after him, not moving.

He hesitated but didn't turn around.

'Do you love her?' she asked.

He glanced back her way. 'I could.'

'Then I wish you both the best of luck,' she whispered it so quietly she was barely sure she had said it.

The anger seemed to fade from him in an instant, and with that he was gone.

* * *

The huge banner reading 'Congratulations' was making it pretty difficult for her to pretend she was somewhere else. The worst part was knowing that at some point she would be expected to make a speech congratulating them on their engagement and in addition to that knowing it was her job to eventually perform the ceremony.

Someone, she didn't even see who, walked past with another tray of champagne.

She grabbed a glass off it and downed it at Warp 8.

'Captain?'

She looked to see B'Elanna standing next to her, Miral in her arms.

'Everything okay?' she asked.

She was sick of telling everyone she was 'fine'. No one had really managed to peg what was wrong with her, but they knew it was something.

Suddenly everything seemed suffocating.

'No,' she responded, forcing a smile. 'If you'll excuse me, I'll be in my Ready Room.'

She place the glass down on a nearby table and walked as fast as humanly possible out of the room. It wasn't until she was out in the hall that she felt like she could breathe. She stopped, leaning against the wall for a moment.

She was a Captain of a Starship.

 _Get a grip._

B'Elanna appeared a moment later, alone this time, and looked at her with an expression that told her the other woman had definitely figured out the problem.

They weren't friends, not in that way, but as she walked up to her, Kathryn realised she didn't have anyone better to talk to.

After all, her two closest friends on board were the two causing her this pain.

B'Elanna put a hand on her arm, then a moment later grabbed her Captain and pulled her into a hug.

'I'm sorry,' B'Elanna said quietly. 'I didn't realise.'

'I should go back in,' Kathryn pulled away from the hug.

'How about I make a speech, so you don't have to.'

She smiled in return. 'I would like that very much.'

B'Elanna smiled and started walking back towards the mess hall. She paused when she noticed Kathryn wasn't following.

'I'll be there in a minute,' she whispered.

She just needed a moment to collect herself.

* * *

'Kathryn.'

She stiffened as she heard the voice behind her. She had come here to be alone but realised now of course he would find her. He might not be 'hers' anymore, but he knew her better than anyone else on board this ship. Of course he'd know she would hide in the Holodeck.

It's what she always did.

He walked up to the lake edge and took a seat next to her, his hand sitting less than an inch from hers on the rocks.

'Please don't ask me to do this,' she whispered, knowing exactly why he was there.

He didn't say anything for a few moments, looking out over the lake, the sun setting through the mountains.

'I would never,' he finally replied. 'Why didn't you tell me?'

'Why didn't you?'

It was the first time either of them had mentioned it in a long time, even indirectly. It had just been easier for her to pretend that he wasn't dating Seven and for him to pretend that he didn't know she cared he was.

It had been a month since the engagement party and she knew this conversation would come up at some point. After all, it was the Captain's duty to perform marriages aboard the ship.

'You made it clear to me on many occasions that you were not looking to be in any kind of relationship on board Voyager,' he spoke carefully. 'I didn't think it my place to push the matter any further.'

'Are you happy?' she asked, looking at him.

He kept his gaze focused on the sunset, and smiled softly.

'I am,' he replied. 'I love her.'

She hadn't thought her heart had any breaking left to do, but in that moment whatever was left shattered into a millions tiny little pieces.

'Then I'm happy,' she whispered, tears making their way out of her eyes.

She looked back at the sunset and the two of them sat there, for what could have been five minutes, or could have been two hours, completely in silence.

A goodbye.

* * *

They eloped, or as close to eloped as one can on a Starship, taking a shuttle in the middle of the night and finding a priest of some sort on a local planet to marry them.

She couldn't even be upset when they returned to the bridge, happier than she had ever seen either of them.

He caught her eye across the room and she smiled, letting him know it was okay.

She walked over to them both, placing a hand on both their arms.

'Congratulations,' she said.

'Thank you, Captain Janeway,' Seven spoke matter of factly, before her attention was pulled away by an excited Harry Kim.

'Thank you,' Chakotay spoke softly.

She let her hand drop from his arm and walked back towards her seat.

She could be happy for them.

For her it was more important to be in charge and do her job as Captain well.

* * *

'She's gone.'

The Doctor's words didn't seem real. They couldn't be real, it had just been an easy mission to gather supplies. She still didn't understand how it could have gone so wrong.

'Try again,' Chakotay grabbed the Doctor's arm.

'Commander, I know you don't want to hear it…' the Doctor started.

She took a few steps forward and put a hand on his arm. He swung around to glare at her, throwing her hand off as he did so.

'Kathryn, make him do something,' he gritted his teeth. 'Please.'

'Chakotay…' she whispered.

With that he left the room. She didn't dare follow him, her eyes falling down to Seven's lifeless body in front of her.

* * *

It was four days before he let her enter his quarters. The lights were off and she figured it was probably best that they were left that way.

She couldn't see him at first, but eventually realised he was sitting on a chair in the middle of the room, staring blankly out at the stars.

'I wanted to check on you,' she made her way to where he was.

'I'm fine,' he responded, angry.

He stood up and looked at her, even in the dark the immense pain in his eyes was almost too much for her to look into.

'Oh Chakotay,' she whispered, reaching up and touching his face. 'I'm so sorry.'

'You should never have let her go on that mission,' he snapped.

She hesitated, confused. 'Chakotay it was a normal mission – '

'She went to buy me an anniversary gift,' he whispered. 'She wasn't meant to be on that mission. First you let me fall in love with her by pushing me away and then then you let her go on the mission where she died? Is this what you wanted? For me to feel this pain?'

She was taken aback.

He was grieving but this was a whole new level of anger that she had never expected to see from him.

Just as she was about to respond with anger he broke down in front of her. His legs seemed to give way beneath him and he sunk to the ground, tears streaming from his eyes as he began to shake.

She followed him to the floor and put her arms around him.

'I'm sorry, Chakotay,' she whispered into his ear as he leaned into her embrace. 'If I could change this I would, I promise.'

And with that the man who had always been there to protect her was the one who needed her to protect him.

* * *

The bridge was silent as he walked onto it, taking his seat next to her. His usually spotless uniform and perfect hair were slightly off, but no one mentioned it.

She looked across at him, his blank expression looking forward at the space ahead of them.

'Chakotay, you don't have to…'

He looked at her, his broken heart worn clearly on his face.

'Please don't make me go back to my quarters,' he said quietly.

She reached out and took his hand, squeezing it before letting it drop back to his side.

* * *

'How many more people do we have to lose to get home?'

She had expected something, given that it was the five year anniversary of her death, but he hadn't seemed to admit that was the problem to himself yet.

'You don't want to go home?' she asked.

'Not if it means losing everyone on this ship,' he shot back. 'You're reckless, Kathryn.'

'A strong accusation coming from a Maquis Captain,' she returned.

He took a deep breath and nodded.

'Of course, you're right, as always.'

He turned and left the Ready Room, but his words stuck with her.

They had already lost 16 people since Seven.

Was it worth it?

* * *

B'Elanna wasn't the person she was expecting to see at her door late at night, but she also didn't object to the company.

Fifteen years in space and she was starting to feel the loneliness.

'Lieutenant, how can I help you?' she asked.

'I just needed a friend,' B'Elanna replied. 'I brought wine and cheese…'

'Family drama?' Kathryn smiled.

'Two kids and a husband can be a lot of work,' B'Elanna laughed in response.

'Come in,' Kathryn held her arm out to her quarters.

For an hour they drank and laughed and B'Elanna got her up to date on all the mischief that the children had been up to.

'How's Chakotay doing?' she finally asked.

Kathryn looked up at her in surprise. 'I thought you two were good friends?'

'We were, but since Seven's death…'

Kathryn nodded. 'I think we're in the same boat.'

B'Elanna sighed and took another sip from her wine. 'I worry about him.'

'Me too.'

They both went silent for a moment.

'Are you still in love with him?' B'Elanna asked.

Kathryn smiled. Ten years ago she would have berated her for asking that question, but now it felt like there were no secrets left on Voyager. Everyone knew. She hadn't been subtle.

'That's the problem with love, B'Elanna,' she poured herself another glass of wine. 'You don't just stop feeling it.'

'Maybe that's all he needs,' B'Elanna suggested. 'To know he's not alone.'

* * *

He seemed surprised to see her standing there, dressed in casual clothes and holding a tray of food. He tilted his head, suspicious.

'Is it a special occasion I've forgotten about?' he asked.

'It's Thursday,' she replied, entering his quarters without being invited. 'On Thursdays we have dinner, remember?'

It had been eight years since they last had their weekly dinner, so she had been expecting some confusion from his end. Instead she got a smile. He understood exactly what she was doing.

She placed the food on his table and lit the candles. He went to the replicator and came back with something for them to drink, placing it on the table between them in silence.

It wasn't until halfway through dinner that he asked the burning question.

'Kathryn, why are you here?' he asked. 'Why now?'

'I missed you,' she responded instantly, smiling sadly at him. 'Also B'Elanna was worried you were lonely.'

He smiled.

'I've missed you too,' he replied simply.

They left it at that and returned to their jovial conversation.

* * *

He didn't show up for work that day, it didn't surprise her, but usually he requested the anniversary of her death off. This time he hadn't.

She found him on the Holodeck, sitting in Sandrines, alone.

'Well this is a blast from the past,' she commented, surprising him.

He turned to look at her, the heartbreak evident on his face and she felt her heart break again for him. Walking over to the bar, she poured herself a whisky and sat down next to him.

'To Seven,' she said quietly, holding her glass up.

He smiled as tears did their best to fight their way out and he held his glass up to meet hers.

'To Seven,' he whispered, barely able to form the words.

He placed the glass back down without taking a sip. She put a hand on his back and slowly rubbed it. It took a few moments before the tears started flowing freely and her heart broke for him.

She hated seeing him like this.

If only she had never sent Seven on that mission, then she would be the only one with a broken heart. Things would be better that way.

'Chakotay,' she spoke softly. 'Tell me what I can do to help stop this pain.'

He looked over at her, and smiled through his tears, reaching across and placing a hand on hers.

'Don't let me lose you,' he squeeze her hand lightly, then let go, reaching for his drink and drowning it in one gulp. 'I can't lose you as well.'

She continued to watch him, something finally dawning on her.

He had pushed her away after Seven's death on purpose.

They finished the bottle before leaving the Holodeck and returning to their separate quarters, barely another word spoken between them.

* * *

'I think the King likes you,' he said the moment everyone else was out of earshot.

She laughed, looking around at the party being thrown in their honour.

'I think the dearest King has no idea how old I am,' she responded, folding her arms.

'Maybe he likes the greying hair,' he teased.

She grabbed at her hair, mocking offence. 'Commander, are you saying I'm aging?'

'Very gracefully,' he smiled.

'Either way, it's never going to happen,' she laughed, taking a sip from her drink.

He didn't laugh, instead when she returned her gaze to him she found him watching her sadly.

'Are you disappointed I don't intend to have a one night stand with a King?' she questioned, trying to keep her tone teasing, but sensing whatever he was about to say would something entirely more serious.

He tended towards serious these days.

He shook his head slightly, looking over at the other man.

'I just think you deserve to take some time for yourself,' he returned. 'There's nothing wrong with a one night stand. Or a relationship. Being a ship Captain doesn't mean you can't be a human being.'

Ah.

 _That_.

The topic that they had been dancing around for eighteen years.

'Perhaps if I had my time over I would make different decisions,' she admitted, not making eye contact with him.

'I just want you to be happy, even if it is only for a night.'

'I know,' she responded, then paused, holding out her empty glass. 'Another drink?'

'I think someone might get jealous if you keep bringing me drinks,' he smiled and walked away.

She did her best to push away the disappointment but it won, as always. She glanced back at the King and he smiled at her.

Maybe Chakotay was right.

She smiled back.

* * *

'Are you mad at me?' she asked bluntly.

He took a deep breath, standing opposite her in her Ready Room. He hadn't been prepared for a berating the moment he stepped through the door.

'You'll remember that having a one night stand with the King was your idea,' she continued.

'The part where he ordered my execution for trying to bring you back to the ship wasn't something I expected at the time I suggested that,' he shot back. 'And no, I'm not mad at you.'

'Well you certainly seem like you are,' she took a seat next to the window, looking out at the planet they had just left.

'I didn't expect to feel this,' he replied honestly, taking a seat next to her.

'This?' she questioned.

She looked at him and instantly recognised the look in his face.

'Jealous,' he clarified.

She snorted a laugh.

'Chakotay, you married Seven.'

She hadn't meant for it to come out so harsh. She had forgiven him for that a long time ago, yet somehow, deep inside, that was apparently still an issue for her.

'I had to let go or spend the rest of my life in love with someone who didn't care for me the way I did her,' he gritted his teeth as he said it, holding her eye contact.

She was shocked. Was that really what he had thought?

'Is that what you really believe?' she whispered. 'I loved you and you broke my heart. And then I've had to watch you being broken and trying to put together the pieces all these years and it's broken my heart over and over again seeing you in this much pain. It's killing me not being able to help you.'

Now it was his turn to look surprised. She had thought it had been obvious but somehow to him it hadn't been.

'I…' he trailed off, reaching out and taking her hand in his. 'Kathryn, I didn't know…'

'I'm sorry,' she intertwined her fingers with his. 'I chose duty. I've always chosen duty, I don't know any other way.'

'Why haven't you said anything since?' he asked.

She took a deep breath. This wasn't a conversation she had been prepared for, had even dared to imagine happening.

'You pushed me away,' she whispered. 'And it didn't seem right.'

He laughed softly. 'It's funny, she said the same thing about you.'

She looked at him, questioningly, unable to imagine a context where that sentence could have come out of Seven's mouth.

'When I proposed to her, she asked if I was still in love with you and that it didn't seem right for us to get married if I was,' he explained.

She had to admitted, that hurt a little.

She loosened her grip on his hand, attempting to pull away but he gripped tighter. She looked back up at him.

'I told her I would always love you but reminded her that she had previously loved another and that love is more complicated than that,' he finished.

'Do you still love me?' she whispered.

He smiled, sadly. 'Always, but I understand…'

She didn't let him finish, leaning in and kissing him lightly on the lips. After a few moments he pulled away, taking a sharp breath.

'When you're ready,' she said quickly. 'I'll be here.'

He looked up at her and squeezed her hand one more time.

'Dinner tonight?' he asked.

She nodded and with that he stood up and left the Ready Room.

* * *

With that they started dating, slowly, like a couple of teenagers in their first relationship. They met three or four times a week for dinner, she read him her favourite book – acting out some of the scenes – he told her old tribal stories (real ones, she checked after each story).

It was all so comfortable, so familiar, like they had been doing it for the past 18 years.

'Do you believe in an afterlife?' he asked one night.

He had an arm around her as they both sat on the couch, reading reports and finishing up their daily work together. She looked up at his face, her head still resting on his shoulder.

'You're wondering if she's watching?' she asked.

He smiled, putting down his report. 'Is it strange that I feel guilty?'

'Not at all,' she replied, sitting up so she could look at him properly. 'I feel it too.'

He used his arm to pull her closer to him again, leaning in and kissing her for the first time since that day in his office. She reached up and touched his face lightly and within moments the light kiss was becoming something far more passionate.

A hand slipped its way up her leg and she felt herself giving way completely to the thing she had wanted for far too long.

* * *

He used his fork to pick a potato from her plate, smiling as he ate it. She glared at him playfully and peered into his coffee cup, quickly swapping his full one for her empty one.

'Fair's fair,' she smiled, taking another bite.

It was only when she looked up that she realised approximately half the mess hall was watching them behaving like teenagers.

She felt a slight moment of panic rise inside her and she looked back at him. He had already pegged her panic and smiled at her.

'It's not important,' he spoke quietly, so no one else could hear.

'I know,' she responded, taking a deep breath.

It didn't matter.

Everyone already knew how she felt.

* * *

There it was, right in front of them, their opportunity to get home. There was only one issue –

'Let me do this,' he demanded.

'I can't,' she responded quietly, calmly.

The entire bridge watched them intently. This was their choice – either they continued their long, slow, journey home, or someone had to sacrifice themselves to clear the path to the wormhole.

'If anyone should do this, it's me,' she continued. 'It's my fault we were stranded here in the first place, I'll fix it.'

He took a few steps closer to her, trying to block out everyone else.

'Let me go. Let me be with her,' he whispered.

She reached up and touched his face lightly with her hand, finally in this moment not caring if everyone else saw what she felt.

'Chakotay,' the word was barely audible. 'What if she's not there?'

'Then at least I'll stop feeling this pain,' he responded.

'And what about me?'

The question was something that she would never have considered herself asking him on the Bridge. Yet here she was.

'You get to go home and see your family, those who love you,' he reached up to touch her hand, taking it into his and dropping it between them. 'I can't lose you too.'

She understood and the tears began to attack the back of her eyes as she took his other hand in hers.

'Very well,' she whispered. 'I'll meet you in twenty minutes at the shuttle.'

He nodded, leaving the room. All eyes were on her as she return to her seat, somehow managing to maintain her composure.

'Set the course, Lieutenant Paris,' she commanded.

He nodded, turning back around to face his console. With all eyes finally off her, she took a moment to glance up at the ceiling, wondering exactly what was for her at home without him.

* * *

'I'll fix it,' she said, determined.

He looked at her, confused, standing next to the shuttle he was about to fly to his own death. 'Kathryn, you can't – '

'I'll find a way, I'll make sure we get home earlier, that Seven never dies,' she took a deep breath. 'Then you can be happy.'

'And you?'

'The last five years have been the happiest of my life,' she whispered, reaching up and touch his tattoo. 'But I know they've not been yours.'

He grabbed her into a hug, pulling her so close she almost felt like she became a part of him in that moment.

'Chakotay, please don't do this,' she let the tears flow freely now.

'I have no choice,' he whispered into her ear. 'Kathryn I love you, but this is what I have to do.'

The stayed standing in each other's arms for five minutes before Paris' voice came over the comms, alerting them to being in the right position. He pulled back and she tried to keep her arms around him.

'Let me come with you,' she said.

'Kathryn, no,' he said sternly. 'You get this ship home, that's your job.'

'I love you.'

She had no other words to say.

And as he stepped into the shuttle she felt her heart being ripped out of her chest for what she knew was the last time.

And with that he was gone.

An hour later saw them landing on Earth to a big celebration, one that she had no interest in attending and slipped away from the second she could.

* * *

She sat by his gravestone long after the funeral had ended, her glass empty and the second one sitting on the gravestone. His glass.

The glass he was never coming to drink.

'I'm going to fix this,' she had lost track of how many times she had said it, but she meant it.

She wanted him to have the happy life he had deserved, even if that meant that they could never be together. This heartbreak was a thousand times worse than the heartbreak that had preceded it, and she would give up anything to never have to feel it.

'Chakotay, it's Thursday, and I know you're not here having dinner with me, so I hope that you are with her…'

As she said the words she felt herself breaking down completely.

They had done it, they had gotten home, but all she wanted was to be back on that ship, back in the Delta Quadrant. That was her life now.

Earth just felt like some kind of empty hole.

She reached forward and touched his name.

Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder. For a moment she thought maybe it was him, but as she turned and saw B'Elanna that ridiculous hope faded.

B'Elanna knelt down next to her, silently putting an arm around her.

Without saying a word, she also reached forward and put a hand on his gravestone. Then a third appeared as Paris knelt down on her other side, also putting his arm around her.

She let herself really cry at that moment.

She was going to fix this.

This wasn't the happy ending she wanted.


End file.
